How to Stop Suffering

Let’s Talk About That!

Photo by Ilo Frey

What is suffering?

One conventional definition of suffering describes it as the state of undergoing pain, distress or hardship. Conventional definitions for nuanced concepts sometimes fall short for people exploring the subtle differences and complexities within their own experience. The truth about suffering is that it is neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. It is not here because of anything you did or didn’t do; it is not what defines you, and you are not the only one experiencing it. However, we all have a responsibility to recognize the quality of our unique brand of suffering, tune into the sources whether mental, emotional, psychological, or physical and begin to develop ways of relating to it that promote our wellbeing and equilibrium.

Suffering is one window into the collective human experience if we choose to view it that way. Part of the benefit of exploring and working through our own pain, poison, and scar tissue is the opportunity for our heart to open to suffering as a whole and, in that, allow our experience to broaden into something far beyond our own life and experiences. We have the ability to allow our healing process to awaken us to the journey each individual is on with themselves, for themselves and by themselves alongside us. In recognizing this, it becomes harder to begrudge people for small things, hold on to misunderstanding, or cling to our every whim and desire because we see and feel how hard people work and try. It becomes possible to settle into a state of openheartedness toward other people and the world that is unshakable because you have touched the source of unutterable anguish and have seen it dissolve into wonder, forgiveness, bliss, gratitude and return back to openheartedness once again.

Suffering is a ripple. It will come, and it will go. Throughout each moment of our lives there is a choice we have within us to shift our focus and attention away from what is wrong, unknown, not working, unclear. We can instead begin to let go of the need to label, analyze, fixate, intellectualize and simply settle into a state of receptivity.

So, does this mean that we do nothing and just accept our circumstances even if they are not working for us? Being in a state of open acceptance is not the same as being passive and aloof. Open acceptance is empowering because it allows us to see things the way they actually are not how we wish, want or prefer them to be. From a space where we can see things the way they actually are we can discern what is the most loving, healthy, authentic version of ourselves and the way we want to show up.

Within the course of our lives there is dissonance, duality, things we can control and other things beyond it. There are decisions, actions, thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, emotions, sensations, and memories. How do we integrate and understand all of these things in the context of suffering? What do these things have to do with it?

Perhaps what can be helpful to deepen our understanding of suffering is to pick a framework that we resonate with. In this article we are going to look at suffering in the context of Buddhist wisdom by exploring the klesas or causes of suffering that function as poisons of the heart-mind.

It is possible to end our suffering. Suffering is a stretchy, stringy type of pain; the kind that burns the tongue, erases taste and causes our eyes to squinch shut against the promise of fatty satisfaction. We set down the crust of our expectations with a disappointment that gnaws a tiny question mark into the structure of our being. In order to interrupt our disjointed relationship to the Self repair work must not only happen at the layer of the dermis – blotting out blemishes and freckles. It must become familiar with the osseous and adipose. The skeleton carries evidence of our experience such as nourishment from the time we were little, and adipose tissue stores energy we do not need. These two types of tissue become analogies for the experience of healing our own suffering.

If we look at the skeleton of our experience, perhaps there are places where it is clear we were under nourished mentally, emotionally, physically, or psychologically. Perhaps if we continue to explore, we can see areas of our experience that are products of carrying labels, stories, or thoughts around eventhough we no longer need them, or never did need them.

Looking at the klesas is an opportunity to ask ourselves some questions and reflect on the current state of our internal experience without punishing ourselves for being human, and for not having all the information. Ever. It just isn’t possible. So, perhaps, let’s start there.

Photo by Scott Webb

The Klesas

• Avidya – not seeing clearly
• Asmita – sustaining a self, overidentifying with the ego
• Raga – wanting, attachment, addiction
• Dvesa – Aversion
• Abhinivesha – fear of death

The Klesas are the five sources of suffering mentioned in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, an ancient text that has been a vital source of wisdom that spiritual thinkers, seekers, and practitioners have drawn from for thousands of years.

According to the first truth, suffering (dhukha) is present in all experience, including selfhood. Second, duhkha has a cause. Third, the suffering of dhukha can be brought to an end.

The Yoga-Sutra of Patanjali
Translated by Chip Hartranft

Before we dive and deeper into the Klesas, perhaps it would be helpful to compare them to what the Buddha talked about in contrast to Patanjali.

Buddha talked about suffering. He said the source of suffering (dhukha) is thirsts or the primary urges behind all volition. He talked about how the thirsts create a volition to acquire, eliminate, or become, and that these thirsts are predicated on feelings (Vedana) as they arise. Feelings come and go, and are not permanent, and therefore, thirsts come and go and are not permanent. The Buddha understood in other words that what we experience is temporary.

Questions to ask oneself are things like: What is it that I feel the need to acquire, accumulate, have? What am I pushing away, avoiding, denying? What am I refusing to look at? What do I believe I am not at this moment, and putting energy into? What is the story I am telling myself about who I am right now and how am I embodying that?

Level of Affliction

Photo by U.B.

When we go out into the garden there are certain things we are doing beyond just putting a sprout in the ground and hoping it will give us what we want in a few months. Before anything blooms, grows, or produces fruit, there are certain conditions that must be created and restored in order for that plant to be able to thrive. We must give the plant enough of what it needs so that it can both withstand what threatens it and thrive while doing that.

What would the world be like if flowers didn’t bloom in the spring because it rained and they were upset with the rain, too cold, and decided that they hate the rain. Is this a helpful way of looking at ourselves when we meet a challenge, setback, or situation in our lives that we have strong feelings, perceptions, or thoughts about? How does the visual of a flower blooming even when it is raining change the way we can choose to show up for ourselves and our lives amidst challenge and uncertainty?

Part of the framework for understanding the klesas involves paying attention to the intensity, frequency and duration of how they come up and when they come up in our lives. This is done through level of affliction. The levels of affliction are:

• Dormant – for the most part it doesn’t come up, we are not troubled by it, and it exists primarily in the background
• Weakened – rarely it pops up and when it does it is swiftly addressed and then a shift in perspective or corrective action is taken
• Temporarily subsided – there is some frequency with which this particular affliction arises, and one can generally keep it at bay, but there are times when that is difficult to do
• Sustained – there is no sense of relief from the affliction, it feels consistent and constant, or there is lack of awareness of the pattern or cycle and therefore little is being done to shift or change it

Pema suggests that when we work with the self and do introspective healing one must work in the learning zone. The learning zone is where enough comfort and security exist that we remain in a state of relative calm, safety, and open curiosity without judgement, or self-criticism. It is important to do healing work from this zone because the goal is to build a deeper sense of self compassion, dispel animosity and be able to operate with more gentleness, love and joy in the world. It is more difficult to bring those things into the world and to other people in we can’t or don’t bring them to the self first.

The alternatives are working from the comfort zone. Here there is not enough challenge to stimulate growth or change. Lastly, the zone of excessive risk keeps the system under a constant state of hypervigilance and fear. It is likely to shut down, become overwhelmed, stressed, or depleted because it takes more effort to maintain homeostasis. New experiences, new people, and on some level familiar ways of being begin to feel like threats instead of opportunities. Someone trying to heal from this place is often over tired, irritable, burnt out, stressed, and using coping mechanisms that they know are destructive or counterproductive.

Questions to ask yourself may be:

• What is my comfort zone?
• What is my learning zone?
• What is my excessive risk zone?
• Am I operating from any of these most often?
• How can I begin to shift the zone from which I operate so that it better serves me?

Klesas specific questions to ask oneself:

Avidya – not seeing clearly

What areas of myself or my life am I failing to see clearly? Is there something that I need to gather more information about in order to understand more thoroughly and make more informed decisions and choices? Why did I not have this information; was I shutting it out by choice, or did I just not know?

Asmita – Sustaining the self

What ways do I sustain the self and over-identify with the ego? How do I present myself to the world? What is it that I am looking for from other people? What do I believe that I can’t do without? What am I trying to preserve? Are there parts of myself that I am trying to protect? What do I avoid or shut down?

Raga – wanting, attachment, addiction

What do I cling to? What do I want? Do I experience cravings or unbearable urges? Do my desires for certain things feel out of proportion to my desires for other things? What do I do if I can’t get or have that thing that I want or cling to? What happens in my body, in the people around me, in my life when I am unable to get or have what I want? Do I use certain things to cope in ways that are destructive to myself and others? Do I need to ask for help?

Dvesa – Aversion

What am I trying to avoid? Are there things I am hiding from myself or from other people? Are there things that I believe I do not deserve? Are there opportunities that I have said no to out of fear, uncertainty, or doubt? Does saying yes to something serve as a way to not experience the no?

Abhinivesha – fear of death

How does my fear of death show up in my life right now? How afraid of death do I believe I am? What are my thoughts about death? What is death really? What people in my life or in the world have shared thoughts about death that I relate to or resonate with? How does death show up in nature? How do I experience death differently in nature as opposed to in myself? Why?

Babies exist in a “whoa state.”

Nat Kendall

We are energy in flux and connected to every other speck of dust on the planet. Our cells are literally made of elements created from stars millions of years ago! Our current blip of consciousness soaks things up early on like a sponge and starts saying, “if this, then…”, “because this, then that”, “this definitely means this because before it was like this” and so forth.

Our ultimate question that you can ask yourself is:

Can we just drop the whole story right now?

Photo by Vineet Erzy

Can you picture yourself without any insecurity? Can you feel the lift in your heart and shoulders if you were to set down all the burdens, labels, narratives, past events, and mistakes that you have been carrying around with you all of this time?

Optional activity:

1. Pick a recent decision you made in your life. Have it be something small that will not cause distress but will enable you to engage in reflection and self-inquiry.

For example, my recent decision is making the choice to call out of work because I didn’t feel well. I had a sore throat, congestion, pressure and tightness in my lungs, some pain when I breathed, and aches in my body.

2. What stories come up about this decision?

For example, if I was functioning at my best, then I wouldn’t have to call out of work today. I must be lazy because some people just go to work when they don’t feel well. Are you just being overly cautious? You’re never going to ride to work because you keep saying you’re going to and then something always gets in the way. What if the unit is understaffed? What will people think about me?

3. Allow those things to come up. Here them. Let them be there.

4. Begin to offer other stories such as:

I love you; I am listening.

Part of functioning at my best is knowing when to rest and slow down.

It is not lazy to stay home when I am sick. It helps my patients by not exposing them to what I have, and it means that when I do show up to work, I will have the energy, emotional space, and vitality to serve in a way that is meaningful and authentic.

Sickness is the body’s way of asking for something. It is saying, I need some attention right now. If left unattended, the body may develop serious conditions, inflammation, and imbalances. Addressing illness right away means that you provide the body what it needs to recover and make it possible to heal. It may be cautious and sometimes that is necessary.

It is true that you want to ride your bike to work. Riding my bike in the cold on a rainy day when I am sick and having trouble breathing is not a wise or self-loving decision. There will be plenty of days to ride my bike when I am feeling better and have the energy.

The unit will be there when I get back. It functioned before I got hired, and it functions when other people call out. Right now, it is okay to focus on my own recovery.

It may seem like people will think badly of me or will judge me, but most likely people will wonder if I am okay and will want to know how I am doing. If I have an illness, it is okay to take care of myself.

Most of the time we look for patterns to confirm what we think we know, and who we believe we are. There is a term for this way of operating and it is called confirmation bias. In order to work to shift this let’s look at the latent labels floating around that we have for ourselves.

Make a list of labels, and then write how the klesas relate to them.

“Positive”

• Creation – avidya – seeing clearly the connection to all things, to mother earth
• Human being – avidya – seeing clearly the animal underlying all the socialization.
• Woman – avidya – seeing clearly the social construct of gender alongside the miracle of being a life giver, and a place where life grows and begins through giving birth to a child, and the beauty of giving birth to new versions of oneself, relationships, and chapters of life
• Daughter – Avidya – seeing clearly the connection between family members and the sacred connection to our elders and ancestors
• Sister – Avidya – seeing clearly the connection between another being who was born from the same space, developed in the same place and is on a journey too
• Partner – Avidya/Raga – seeing clearly the divine union between two beings who connect intimately, and the desire to create this sense of secure love and belonging
• Cousin – Avidya – seeing clearly people my own age who came from the same family have their own journey
• Friend – Raga/Dvesa – desire to connect with others, offer and receive love and belonging, and aversion to rejection or abandonment.
• Coworker –
• Nurse – Asmita – sustaining of the self through a profession that creates status, respect, reputation and creates a sense of “security” and a feeling of “success”
• Yogi – Raga – attachment to connecting with something deeper, finding answers to why we suffer, clinging to the idea that there is something more.
• Writer – Asmita – clinging to hobbies as if they are an identity, instead of an entrance into a flow state of being where the self falls away
• Bookworm – Asmita – sense of pride at how much I have read, sense of feeling accomplished, represents my intelligence or values, uniqueness. Thirst for learning and broadening understanding and knowledge of experiences indirectly.
• Athletic – Asmita/Raga- identification with the body, attachment to outward appearance, the belief that I would die if I couldn’t move, addiction to exercise for a while became out of balance.
• Intelligent – Asmita/Dvesa – there are many forms of intelligence but being seen as intelligent versus dumb and naive feels like something that is present in my experience because the story, I tell myself it that it takes me further away from the experiences where I was objectified and taken advantage of. Being seen in this way allows me to avoid the pain of having been taken advantage of, and seeing the parts of myself that at times didn’t know any better and not blaming them but seeing that it wasn’t her fault.
• Empathic – Avidya – seeing clearly the connection between people on an emotional level and being able to find and create connections around that
• Creative – Avidya/Raga – Seeing clearly that we are born in creation, clinging to the desire to release stored energy that doesn’t serve or belong to me.
• Curious – Avidya – seeing clearly the opportunity to remain in a state of receptivity.
• Open-minded – Avidya – seeing clearly the opportunity to remain in a state of wonder and accept the unknown
• Outdoorsy – Asmita – a certain identity with that lifestyle and persona of people that are down to earth, back to nature, feeling a connection with the values and integrity that comes from knowing a piece of land intimately.
• Survivor – Avidya – seeing clearly through the stories that try to criticize, blame, or belittle me for a small part of my experiences and cherry pick the most negative ones out of a whole life of vast and varied experiences that are mostly positive. A reminder that I am not a victim, and that the world is not out to attack me but is here for me to explore and wants to give me everything that I could ask for or dream of.
• Adventurous
• Resourceful
• Patient – Dvesa – an aversion to conflict, and a deep practice of acceptance, karmic lesson
• Perceptive – Avidya – intuition, seeing things that are unsaid, body language, feeling what is not verbalized.
• Vibrant – Avidya – seeing clearly a way to reflect the colorful aspects of the earth back to itself.
• Tuned-in – Avidya – seeing clearly truth, trusting the process, living close to the land with love, operating in wonder and curiosity often, engaging in moments of stillness and quiet
• Environmentally conscious – Avidya – seeing clearly the planet as a part of the self
• Mature – Asmita – the self as it ages passes through arbitrary demarcations of time in a linear construct that to much of creation does not exist beyond fluctuations of light
• Honest – Avidya – seeing clearly a way of saying what I mean, not over explaining. Freedom from needing to explain, defend, or negotiate my beingness.
• Reliable – Raga – a sense of attachment to being perceived as present and congruent so that other people will accord me the same respect, avidya seeing clearly that others are beyond one’s control and that loving kindness is not predicated on doing this so that this.
• Consistent – Avidya – seeing clearly a way of being authentic and genuine.
• Hearty – Abhinishevah – the heart can relinquish the fear of death.
• Innocent – Avidya/Asmita – it is not about what is not known and what is, some people know more than is healthy and for the wrong reasons, innocence can be a form of discernment
• Practical – Raga/Dvesa – wanting to be “independent” and self-reliant coupled with an aversion to being hurt or taken advantage of, so if I can rely on myself for getting my needs met than I can’t be hurt
• Humble

“Negative”

• Wounded
• Anxious worry wart
• Terrified scaredy cat
• Quiet
• Introvert
• Emotional
• Analytical
• Perfectionistic
• Self depricating
• Soft
• Gullible
• Worthless
• Irrelevant
• Inferior

Other people’s labels:

• Awake
• Grounded
• Down to earth
• Positive, Optimistic
• Playful
• Silly
• Small, Petite
• Little
• Wise
• Old soul
• Incredible human
• Caring
• Kind
• Generous

Yoga means to yoke in Sanskrit or to move toward intrinsic harmony without getting caught up in the way we think things should be or could be. It is a path that offers us a way to see what is real and then shift our thinking, perceptions, and storylines into more productive and intentional ways of being with ourselves, with each other, and serving the world.